Just like every other health issue, struggles in the bedroom are not the result of physical dysfunction. Our sexual problems also involve mental and emotional factors which comes down to systemic chemical disruption.

If you’re a first time reader, thank you for checking this out and welcome! If you’re a frequent follower, thank you for supporting this work! And just know, I’m done using the word imbalance. The body is not out of balance. This isn’t to say that one hormone level may test out higher or lower than normal which is indicated by the normal range on a blood test, yet, this is not a sign of an imbalance. Balance is relative. It doesn’t matter what health issue a person is facing, physical symptoms, in this case a drop in sexual function, are due to the stress system signaling a chemical change which alters genetic activity, and until we get right with ourselves and one another, ED, low libido, painful intercourse, and changes in desire will continue.

Not to be harsh, yet, if our wish is to see improvement, then the time has come to take responsibility for how we relate to our inner dialogue and command good health! Otherwise, we can count on a myriad of symptoms and concerns our entire life. Quite frankly, there is no reason for any of this because, we have far more control over our physical health than we care to accept.

So, yes, it’s time to self-regulate! Now more than ever, we must commit to what we want, not to something somebody else has, does or suggests. The time is now to take action on the things and experiences we declare, and above all, to stop comparing our bodies and lives to that of others.

One big undermining habit we have as a culture is forecasting someone else’s experience by telling them what to expect based on how it happened for us. We do this with pregnancy, marriage, jobs, aging and even health issues. One I find particularly interesting are the infamous stories between men about testosterone, bellies, lack of muscle, and ED.

The idea of this leaves me shaking my head, yet, we do it more often than we realize, talking our dicks into the dirt because we become consumed by what’s happened to others and think it’s going to happen to us?! A great way to shift out of this is to say: ‘oh man! I’m sorry that happened and appreciate you for sharing. And, I have no idea how this is going to go for me. I guess we’ll see!’

I have responded in a similar manner to all unsolicited advice for years now! Even to my ex-husband who did his very best to normalize arguing.

For as real as ED, low libido, and painful intercourse are, they do NOT have to the norm! Neither does any other problem in the bedroom, including physical impediments. (let’s face it, even Stephen Hawking fathered 3 children) What are you willing to command?

There’s a saying I heard several years ago that ended up being dog-eared in my brain: ‘making love is not just a physical act, it’s an experience we cultivate throughout the day, everyday.’

Between cultural programming, childhood experiences and life as an adult, stress impacts our physical health. If a healthy sex life and body is our goal, then it’s time to be intimate with ourselves and by this, I do not mean masturbate (although, feel free to use it as a tool for change)

Intimacy = into me I see

Intimacy is not intercourse. It’s a knowing of one self and the one we want to share ourselves with. It’s transparency, safety and absolute acceptance. Intimacy bonds and it takes being grounded within ourselves in order to express it outwardly. In many respects, sexual health is no different than self love.

I say ALL of this as a way to underscore this …

Every discomfort our body experiences is the result of a chemical reaction. According to LiveScience.com, there are 60 chemical elements in the human body. Given the number of genetic reactions that occur every second of every day, this isn’t a lot which makes it quite easy to identify two very important neuropeptides released from the pituitary gland called, oxytocin and endorphins. Both are essential for bonding, feeling comfortable in our skin, pleasure, the release of sex hormones, restful sleep, heart health and group-related attitudes. Yet when we’re stressed, all of this becomes a distant memory with the exception of the group mindset.

Do you know why?

Cortisol counters oxytocin. Although we may find ourselves aligned with like-minded people, we just don’t experience the lovey-dovey stuff. There’s more animosity and less cooperation. Dynamics infused with cortisol also lose empathy and compassion which produces nothing but win / lose conditions. This is why it is imperative that we get a hold of ourselves and start doing things differently!

All too often, when we’re frustrated, we stop moving (a.k.a. freeze) and our mind grinds on the same thoughts over and over again. The most effective way to shift gears is to do the opposite and make the internal change. Just like cortisol counters oxytocin, we must oppose stress with counter-productive thoughts and actions, IF our intention is to feel better mentally, physically and sexually. Otherwise, we are slowly killing ourselves.

If you’ve read this far, the time has come to reawaken our ability to thrive!

How do you do this?

Well, I wouldn’t be the revolutionary aromatherapist if I didn’t offer up some essential oil suggestions. Yet, first things first …

1. reconnect to a time when you felt vibrant and in tune with life and your partner. Remain in this element of pleasure and every time you feel the opposite, take a moment to get back into it.

2. get physical. Something I used to really enjoy was wrestling with my husband. It was a way for us to be silly together which did a lot for our sensual times. If you’re of the age or not into wrestling, then dance. Movement stimulates the release of endorphins and as we drop into our body, our heads clear, making it easier to be more spontaneous and comfortable with the ones we love.

3. reach out and touch … what do they need? Touching initiates the release of oxytocin in both people as does being of service. Even without sex, we’re now producing win /win situations.

AND, then there are essential oils!

Look, I’d love to believe that all of us are more than capable of resetting our neurochemistry. And we are. But we’re not because we have some mighty sticky habits that pull us back into and hold us hostage to old patterns. Using essential oils every day offers effortless change because they are signaling molecules that assist with resetting the stress system to neutral.

Now, if you think I’m about to suggest oils as aphrodisiacs .. I’m not. My preference is to remind the body of its relaxed state and allow it to function as it knows to do.

1. clary sage because it supports the pituitary gland and parasympathetic nervous system, essential for regulating the endocrine system. I would call this oil … calming and uplifting plus it eases the symptoms of menopause, including vaginal dryness.

2. myrrh because it supports the endogenous opioid system (a.k.a. endorphins) as well as the endocannabinoid system (anandamide a.k.a. the bliss hormone) This oil is very grounding and helps us drop into our most primitive desires.

3. frankincense carterri as it supports a calming use of acetylcholine necessary for ease and enhances the body’s ability to relax

4. sandalwood mysore because of its santalol content which is recognized for its ability to help improve the body’s regulation of estrogen. This is significant given the fact that estrogen, besides being a reproductive hormone, is also a primary signaling molecule in the stress response. The longer the stress system is active, the more changes occur to the CYP450 enzymes, extending our exposure to toxic metabolites and inflammatory hormones. This, of course, diminishes testosterone in men and leads to such cancers as breast and prostate as well as autoimmune disorders. So, including this particular sandalwood is highly advantageous as it also soothes the mind and body. DO NOT use this oil if taking an aromatase inhibitor.

A couple more oily thoughts:

1. cypress because it also supports the hormonal system and quite good with menopausal symptoms as well as the regulation of acetylcholine for better use throughout the body, improving digestion (crucial for hormones), circulation and restoring ease, naturally

2. laurel leaf because of its digestive support as well as nitric oxide synthase regulation which is essential oil to cardiovascular and mental health. Additionally, this oil improves lymph and between this oil and cypress, you now have a great combination serving the vascular system which is needed for healthy erections.

3. basil linalool because of the digestive relief it provides for heartburn, gas, sluggish bowels, pain and so on, as well as the cardiovascular and prostate support. This oils is also nicely calming and uplifting.

I hope you find this helpful and welcome any questions you may have. Please comment as well as book a free discovery call for a comprehensive discussion on the best oils to use for your body. Click here to claim your spot

For additional thoughts on the psychology of sexual dysfunction, take a look at the experts in this article and do not hesitate to seek professional assistance because you deserve to have all the fun and pleasure you can stand!